The Anniversary That Won’t End

In 2017, we learned we were pregnant, however our pregnancy ended 48 days later. Some of those 48 days were days that I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face because I was so excited. Sadly, many of those days were incredibly dark. Our pregnancy was an absolute emotional roller coaster, that was more traumatic then I realized until much later. You can read more about that journey here.

This year, walking through the anniversaries of those days has been difficult. If I am being honest, I have started to feel like the anniversaries of the hard stuff will never end. Even though Ecclesiastes 3 promises there is a time for everything; I have started to feel like “a time to mourn” may last forever. For much of the mid-west, winter seems to be hanging on. We will have 1 or 2 days that feel like Spring, only to be hit with more snow, ice and cold weather. While I really love snow, it is starting to feel like winter may never end.

Not only have I started to feel like this season will never end, I have also started to wonder how I got through this the first time? How did I endure getting bad news every few days? Just reliving all the anniversaries has felt so impossible.

Today when I went home for lunch I was feeling especially weary. Weary from all the anniversaries that we have walked. Even more weary thinking about how many more hard anniversaries there are to still walk through. As I pulled up to my house, I noticed a package had been delivered.

That package was full of happy gifts and the sweetest card. That amazing package served as reminder that I was seen, covered in prayer and fully loved. As I pulled out each gift, I began to cry. It felt like just the breath of fresh air I needed.

As I sat down for lunch, I pulled out my bible and a new study I recently received. I don’t typically study during lunch, but have been thinking about changing my habits a bit. Today was day one of a few new habits.  So, I opened up the new study book, and read scripture that must have been written just for me. Scripture that gave me the strength I needed for the rest of my afternoon.

As I drove back to work, I couldn’t help but think of Lamentations 3:22-23:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, 
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Friends, I am not a superhero. Delayed fertility and loss is hard. However, Lamentations promises that because of the Lord’s great love, I will not be consumed by delayed fertility or by loss. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…” The reason I made it through 2017, and will make it through the the rest of these anniversaries is because the Lord will give me everything I need.

Just as winter will not stay forever, the season you are in will also come to an end. However, if you are feeling like you may not make it one more day in that season, I want to encourage you. Psalm 68:19 says the Lord daily bears our burdens. One translation says He carries us daily. Continue to press into Him when you are feeling weary. Scripture promises that the Lord will give us exactly what we need to face each day. Sometimes exactly what we need may come from hearing a worship song, a call from a friend, or a sweet letter in the mail. Other times, it will feel like scripture is written just for our heart. No matter what it looks like, the Lord will not let you be consumed by the season you are enduring. Spring is coming.


4 responses to “The Anniversary That Won’t End”

  1. The struggle is real… so real….. But God is so gracious. I can’t promise you a baby, but I can promise you God hears and sees you. When we lost our twins, it was such wrenching pain, but God… Our mourning turned into dancing and back into mourning… but it’s all worked out…
    So I have to ask… what Bible study are you using? I’m looking for a new one as I’m about finish with the one I’m using.


  2. Thanks for your encouragement!

    I’m using a couple different studies, but I think my favorite is by Well Watered Women. They have so many great tools for bible study!!!


  3. LaTonya Hockett Avatar
    LaTonya Hockett

    Wow! This is so POWERFUL! I love how you worded it…..”delayed fertility.” Thank you for that revelation!


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