Fair warning… this post is going to be about Christmas. Hold on! Before you just immediately click out of here because it’s October 23 and you just can’t, I ask that give me a minute to explain myself. I know most sane humans do not want to talk about Christmas in October. Honestly, I get it. It still basically feels like summer in Missouri. Plus, I have been a firm member of the “No Christmas before Thanksgiving” club for years.

Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday, with Christmas being a close second. Since I love Thanksgiving so much and because of my membership in the “No Christmas before Thanksgiving” club, I often follow the rule that Christmas should be set up the day after Thanksgiving. I am not sure who created this rule (probably the founding member of the club) but when there are rules… I follow them. It’s who I am. Plus, I am a big fan of letting Thanksgiving shine in all it’s glory.

Since I am most likely going to get kicked out of the “No Christmas before Thanksgiving” club when this post goes live, I do feel comfortable admitting that there have been a few years that our decorations have gone up just before Thanksgiving. We often celebrate Christmas with one side of our family during the Thanksgiving festivities, so it has just made sense. I will also admit there is something wonderful about celebrating Thanksgiving without the worry of having to rush to put the tree up. Let me be clear though, while I probably should have been kicked out of the club years ago, I have been a firm believer that Christmas decorations should not be discussed until at least mid-November.

A few weeks ago, Dan and I went to our favorite annual craft fair. The fair is huge with over 300 vendors. Every homemade item you can possibly dream of is found at this event. Each year, we enjoy looking at how creative people are and, of course, buying a few treasures to add to our collection of stuff. This year, all of the Christmas decorations brought me so much joy I could barely contain it. I squealed with absolute delight multiple times and Dan couldn’t help but fill his arms (and my arms) with all the treasures we both couldn’t live without.

Since that weekend, I have been begging Dan to put up our Christmas tree. He tired to convince me it was too early because it is only October. He tried to remind me it’s basically still summer. He even tried to encourage me to wait until a certain date (in November). He really tried every way to bargain with me, but nothing would talk me off my decorating ledge. He was able to hold me off for three weeks, but this past weekend he could no longer contain me. Christmas has officially exploded in our house and I could not be happier.

Now before you give up on me and think I have completely lost my mind. You need to understand what life looked like just one year ago. Years of infertility and loss have a way of coloring everything a dark shade of gray. For years, the holidays felt like a marker of another year of what we didn’t have. Another year of empty arms and broken promises. I cannot remember a time in the past several years that putting up our Christmas tree hasn’t made me cry. Every year felt like a reminder of how broken I truly am. However, last year was especially hard. It was the first Christmas after deciding we were not going to continue to pursue growing our family. (When Dreams Die) I remember wondering if I would even make it through the holidays.

As the days inched closer to the Christmas, I felt like the walls of life were caving into me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe 95% of the time. I finally agreed to put up the tree just two weeks before Christmas, but only because we were expecting guests. I am sure if you could have seen us the day we put up our decorations, you would have thought I was attending a funeral. The task took twice as long as it should have. I cried all day long. I continually snapped at Dan, who wasn’t doing anything wrong except trying to be helpful. I remember wondering if I would ever be happy again.

For years, even before we considered not moving forward with growing our family, Dan has told me that if it was “only us” it was enough. While Dan meant it from the bottom of his heart, and while it was always incredibly romantic, I would be lying if I said there weren’t days that my heart wondered if he was just saying that to be nice. I mean, that’s what husbands have to say when their wives can’t get pregnant right?

Really, I wondered if I was enough. This is a common theme in our marriage. I have shared before how I have worked through expectations of what I think a wife should be, however this fear went deeper than an expectation. I have based most of my life on the belief that I was made to be a mother. While this is a topic for another day, it’s more than earth shattering when the one thing you thought you were meant to do, is something you cannot do. If I am not a mother, then I cannot fulfill my purpose. If I cannot fulfill my purpose, it only makes sense that Dan would one day realize I am simply not enough.

2023 has been filled with confirmation after confirmation that Dan and I are not just “enough” our lives are full because we have each other. I am certainty not immune to bad days. In fact, there are still several days that I wonder what in the world I am meant to do with my life. This can’t be it, can it? However, I am learning to drop the expectations I put on myself. I am learning to embrace what a childless marriage can look like. While once this felt like my worst nightmare, it’s turning into something very beautiful.

As the heavy clouds of grief lift, I am starting to find myself again. I am finding the girl who would squeal with glee and delight over a newly found treasure. The girl who would loudly sing off-key and embarrass her Mom while shopping for Christmas decorations. The girl who would make her husband roll his eyes and belly laugh all at the same time while we wait in a drive-thru way too late at night. The girl who is up for almost any adventure. The girl who has joy, not because of what she has, but because of who she is. The girl who understands that this is our house and we make the rules – regardless what the club says. I am Melissa Freaking Forster, and I am taking back what grief tried to steal.

So, on Sunday, Dan and I went to our storage unit and loaded up all of our Christmas decorations. As we were standing in the unit, I made the last minute decision to grab the Christmas plates my Grammy passed down to me many years ago.

I don’t have many memories of growing up, but I have very fond memories of my Grammy’s home. It was always full of the coolest games and the best toys. I always felt like her home was full of adventures just waiting to be conquered. It was full of love. My Grammy’s plates hold legendary tales in my mind. She had the best dishes ALWAYS, but when the Christmas plates came out everything felt significantly more special. I can’t tell you what we ate or who we ate it with, but I remember the feeling I would feel when the Christmas plates came out. I was the fanciest princess, and no one could deny my joy.

When the plates were passed down to me, I could barely contain my excitement. I was given family legend. The best gift, better than gold, was now mine. I proudly displayed them for years in our china hutch in South Dakota. Every time I saw them, I would remember the feeling they gave me all those years ago, and dream of the day I could share that feeling with the people I loved. However, we never once used them. In my mind, I was saving them for the most special occasion.

When we moved from South Dakota to Missouri, the plates were packed with care. When we arrived in Missouri, we realized we didn’t really have room for the plates to be out on display so they stayed in a box. We have lived in Missouri for eight and a half years, and the plates have remained in that same box. Each year, when we unpack our Christmas decorations, I think “maybe next year will be the year we celebrate and use the plates”, but next year never comes. Well, if I am being honest, the last few years I haven’t even thought about the plates. My heart has been so heavy, I couldn’t even imagine a day filled with so much celebration that the plates would be needed.

However, this year, when I saw the plates, I promptly decided all of our everyday dishes would be packed away. We will be using only Christmas plates until it is time to pack Christmas away. I am still not sure Dan was completely on board with this decision, but before he could veto me, I started unpacking the plates. As I carefully unpacked, washed, and put the plates in our cabinets, my heart felt like it was flying. Those silly plates bring me so much joy. I get to be the princess every day for months!

My last minute decision to grab the plates is a reflection of how I feel about life lately. We have spent far too many years wishing for what tomorrow could hold. “We will go there after we have a baby” or “Maybe we shouldn’t schedule that trip, just in case we are pregnant” are just two examples of the “what-ifs” that have held me back from making plans, celebrating, or just generally enjoying life. The thing is, it wasn’t just wishing for babies that held me back. I was dragging through life with no hope, afraid to make any plans because what MAY happen the next day.

I was living but only half way. I was believing the lie that life couldn’t be full or celebrated until my world felt perfect. However, while I waited for my expectation of perfect, I was missing almost every good thing around me.

Life is too short to let special plates sit in boxes for years waiting for when life fits a made up definition of perfect. The reality is that life rarely meets our expectation of perfect. I am learning if I take a minute to breathe, I will often see my expectation of perfection is pretty overrated. This year we have been more spontaneous and less concerned about what tomorrow may or may not hold, and it’s been wonderfully beautiful.

Tonight I am going to serve our regular old boring Monday dinner on Christmas plates. Not because today is anything special, but because Christmas plates bring me joy. In my book, joy is ALWAYS worth celebrating.

I hope my silly desire to put Christmas decorations up in October is a reminder that it is possible to learn to live in the middle of both/ands. I am a girl who is both grieving and also learning to live. Most of all, I hope this encourages you to use the dang plates because life is way too short to wait!